Glee S6 Ep9 “Child Star”

After last week’s whirlwind, it was apparently time to take things down a notch on Fox’s Glee, currently counting down its final season. With almost all the older kids grown, married, and/or settled, “Child Star” turns the spotlight to the current crop of New Directions teenagers. I’m guessing there are going to problems with confidence, love, and everything will be solved with a song, but no spoilers please.

We start off with Sue, a bullhorn, a gym full of teenagers, and the Presidential Fitness Test. May God have mercy on their souls. The “Sloppy Babies” aren’t working up to Sue’s demands, though Spencer seems to be doing okay. That might, however, have something to do with Alistair (Finneas O’Connell), a fair-haired lad he’s making eyes at. Roderick, on the other hand, is having a terrible, terrible day.

Sue: “We’re not leaving here until at least three of you pass out or puke.”

Apparently, the ultimate high school torture test (climbing of the rope) has also become a graduation requirement because well, you know. Sue. Once again, Spencer aces the move but when he looks to see if Alistair is impressed it becomes clear he’s…not.

Darn it.

Roderick is up next, which means Sue has to make her harassment more personal via the bullhorn. She taunts Roderick as he makes his attempt, which ends with him falling and being laughed at. Oh man. Sheldon tells Sue that Roderick needs to rest but she’s not having any of that. She demands he try again – and when there’s more laughter, Spencer shoves them and tells them to stop.

Apparently Sue's Karmic Comeuppance is a tiny boy named Myron.

Apparently Sue’s Karmic Comeuppance is a tiny boy named Myron.

Hey, maybe that’ll impress the cute boy!

In the hallway, Spencer ambushes Roderick and removes his headphones – but instead of helping him out, he calls him a lead weight and basically does a Sue without the bullhorn. He even scoffs at Roderick’s appeal for help. We had higher hopes for you Spencer.

Of course, after Roderick goes into his class, Spencer notices that his fellow Glee-clubber is buddies with…you guessed it. The adorable Alistair, of flowing auburn locks and slo-mo laugh. Spencer is entranced and immediately pounces on the opportunity. He takes off his jacket, acts like Roderick’s bestie, and attempts to flex his way to Alistair’s heart.

Alistair: “Wait, you two are friends?”

Spencer, it turns out, is a terrible flirter. And Roderick – once Alistair all but flees in abject horror – laughs in his face. Mr. Touch the Guns They’re Not Loaded is more creeper than player.

I’m thinking it’ll take more than a tight tee-shirt to woo a guy who probably owns a poet shirt un-ironically.

Sue and Superintendent Harris walk the McKinley Halls, where Sue brags about the skyrocketing test scores and the drone that illustrates their increased tech savvyness. Superintendent Harris is impressed – which leads Sue to ask a tiny favor. She’s submitted herself for the U.S. Principal of the Year Award, and would he mind signing the letter of recommendation she helpfully prepared for him?

He’ll have to review it of course, and in the meantime, maybe Sue can do a favor for him.

In the auditorium, Sue introduces Superintendent Harris’s adorable little nephew Myron Muskovitz (J.J. Totah) who is planning his Bar Mitzvah and wanted to run his opening number past them. Everyone wears a “how cute” look and Rachel is delighted. What a nice little…

Yes, that’s right. Little Myron whips into a full stage production of “Lose My Breath” by Destiny’s Child, rivaling Beyoncé for sheer chutzpah factor alone. New New Directions, Will, and Rachel (we assume Kurt’s on his honeymoon!) sit in jaw-dropped shock as Myron shakes it on stage.

Horror gives way to amusement and by the end, everyone’s quite impressed. Myron is delighted by Rachel’s praise – he’s a big fan – but he wants this to be the greatest number of all time. Not good but great and therefore, he needs notes.

Kitty suggests maybe his dancers smile…which provokes Myron to throw a fit at his dancers, berate, then fire them.

Myron: “May I speak to the adults please?”

Myron’s new best friend Sue gives him the auditorium for the Bar Mitzvah and of course, he wants New New Directions to be his opening act. He’s willing to pay them – say, twenty grand? Unfortunately, says Will, Show Choir Rules prohibit them from taking money, which is fine because Myron says they can do it for free.

Rachel politely begins to turn him down when Sue cuts in and agrees. Fun!

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