Glee S5 Ep19 – “Old Dog, New Tricks”

Sam doesn’t want to return McConaughey so he has a plan – he will train the dog using his Gauntlet of Doom (working title), get the pup groomed and tidied up, and by the time Mercedes gets home, she’ll be ready for winning over.

So Goofy attempts to teach Pluto as Sam and Artie sing “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon, which makes no sense, but it’s a great song and boys are playing with a cute dog. Winner.

At the Nursing Home of Underused Celebrity Guest Stars, Kurt and the rest of the troupe rehearse. No one but Kurt is feeling very Peter Pan’nish at the moment – was this a good idea? Maybe they can’t really convince their loved ones they’re still young and energetic. Kurt suggests updating the music but is interrupted by a nurse arriving with flowers for Maggie. It seems her super successful daughter, Clara, can’t make it but she sent the blooms instead. Kurt is bummed since Maggie talks about her daughter all the time and treasures their close relationship. A nurse bursts this bubble with the truth – Maggie sent herself the flowers, along with all the other ones. Clara hasn’t been here or spoken to her mother in years.

Mercedes returns to the Brooklyn Loft of Well Behaved Canines to discover that Sam didn’t return the pooch. Time for some real talk: who is going to be minding this dog when Sam is off modeling or Mercedes is on tour? Speaking of which – Sam is thinking about when she goes on tour and he’s all alone in the Brooklyn Brownstone of Wait, Doesn’t Blaine and/or Santana Live There. Maybe the dog can keep him company in this lonely town called New York.

Side bar: Where does Blaine live? Where does Santana live? Why will Sam be alone when Mercedes goes on tour? Is she taking Artie, Kurt, and Rachel too?

Sam is also a little miffed that Mercedes thinks he can’t take care of a dog. Or himself. Once upon a time, the Kentucky Fried Stripper was working to support his homeless family, being a good brother and son, provider and family-keeper-together. And while he may forget things or get caught up in video games, he’s a man not a boy. So Mercedes needs to see him that way, because some day they’re going to get married.

Mercedes appreciates Sam’s speech, except a) they need to figure stuff out before he shops for a white picket fence, and b) they’re both super busy and still creating a life together – maybe now isn’t the time to become dog parents. Sam doesn’t want to have his little buddy end up dead, so Mercedes tells him to find the dog a new home.

Everyone is sad.

Side bar: A great Sam scene all around – just a reminder of all the things Sam is and all the people he’s come through for. Come on Mercedes – he’s got the whole package!

Kurt visits Clara Banks (Melinda McGraw), Maggie’s daughter, by pretending to be someone victimized by a chemical spill. When he reveals it was a ruse she calls the world’s slowest security staff in the world. It’s about her mom, he says, trying to convince her to let bygones be bygones. So what if it turns out Maggie was a neglectful mother, who focused on her dream to the detriment of the people around her, including her daughter? So what if she missed her graduation or birthdays? This is about forgiving an old lady who is totally sorry. Clara kicks him out, but not before he says his mother died when he was eight and Clara is lucky to have her mom – so why not come down and see her perform? Celebrate the thing that took her mother away from her in the first place.

Kurt: “Your mother couldn’t take care of you when you were little, but you can take care of her now.”

Side bar: Oh, where to begin. First off, Kurt is trying to shame a woman he doesn’t know into forgiving a woman who he’s known a week. She was neglectful? Kurt brushes it off. He also feels like Maggie should be forgiven for following her dream to the detriment of loved ones – while getting furious at Rachel for doing a 1/1000th weak version of this. Then he throws in a dead mother card and asks the lady to come and care for the woman who refused to care for her?

I think Clara Banks was more polite than I would be.

I’m not sure what the point of this scene was. Are we supposed to side with Kurt, disapprove of Clara’s actions, and feel heart-warmed at the inevitability of her showing up in the third act? Instead, it plays awkwardly and is the side-eye high point of the night.

Meanwhile, Broadway Bitches is underway on a sidewalk that in no way, shape, or form looks like New York City. Also, dogs in cages on the sidewalk in New York City? Nope. But hand wave, it’s going great and when the press shows up, Santana has found the perfect three-legged dog for Rachel to hold. Instant sainthood! Wow, Santana is so good at this – has she thought of doing it professionally in addition to being a recording artist/commercial actress/emergency Broadway understudy?

Yes.

Side bar: No wonder Kurt is mad – Santana has all the jobs.

The most pressing question of the hour - will McConaughey go to a good home?

The most pressing question of the hour: will McConaughey go to a good home?

Rachel gets into it with a woman who wants to adopt the three-legged dog before her photos ops. The woman tells Rachel she can’t redeem a lie with more lies and soon everyone will know what a fraud she is. Also, she clearly doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Like, I see her point to a certain extent but maybe this woman’s rapid escalation into damning Rachel’s life to ruin is an indicator she shouldn’t be a pet parent. Or a parent.

Santana gets the dog back, but Rachel is feeling bad.

In his dressing room, Kurt is getting some last minute costume assistance from Blaine, who apparently is still alive although we don’t know where he lives anymore. Despite giving up some major plans with June, there is nowhere he’d rather be than gluing stuff on his intended’s costume before he stars in a retirement home show. Awww. He’s happy to see Kurt happy and Kurt is happy to finally be doing something with purpose here in NYC – well, besides school. And Vogue. And that time he saved a guy from being beat up. But nothing quite compares to Peter Pan with the elderly.

Kurt finds Maggie putting his picture up on their advertisement wall with the other head shots. He says that since his friends are always busy and her daughter isn’t around, maybe they could be each other’s family. He could use someone to talk to, since his fiance has been gone for two whole seconds (so he could get a seat for the production, but still). Maggie agrees!

Somewhere in Ohio, Burt Hummel comes out from under the hood of a Buick and looks confused.

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