Glee S5 Ep19 – “Old Dog, New Tricks”

Kurt storms off to the only place that can give him solace in this moment: the assisted living home! Rehearsals are underway with Maggie as Wendy, Tim Conway as Michael, and Billy Dee Williams as John. “Debbie” is playing Peter and she misses her cue – swinging through the window in her harness.

Dead.

Side bar: How good would this have been if Kurt pretended to be Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote and caught Debbie’s murderer?! You know he has that show on DVD.

The place is in turmoil. How dare Debbie be so selfish as to die a week before opening night? She was the only one with hips strong enough to survive the harness! They’ll have to shut down production, which stinks for people like Maggie – why get out of bed unless you have a reason? And her reason is to be able to perform on stage.

If only there was someone feeling unappreciated and searching for a role to display his talents!

Psst, Kurt – that’s your cue.

Kurt offers to fill in for Dead Debbie, since there is no rule about non-residents being the stars of the show. He has his own teeth and he seems to understand the day pill/night pill schedule – he’s good to go!

No wait, he has to prove he can take on such a vocally demanding role. If only there was a way…

Hit it, Brad. (No really, how funny would that have been?)

Chris Colfer gets to sing “Memory” from Cats, which quickly proves he has the chops to play Peter. June Squibb joins in and it’s a nice moment, as the residents flash back to their younger selves. Maybe they can get back some of their oomph with this show after all.

Back the Brooklyn Brownstone of Wait, Where Does Artie Live?, Artie and Sam are playing violent video games while McConaughey the dog runs around barking and chewing things up.

Artie: “It’s like watching Goofy trying to teach Pluto tricks.”

Mercedes arrives home and is not prepared for the mess – or their new pet. Seems like she’s doubting Sam’s ability to take care of a living creature, considering he can’t keep a Chia pet alive, and Artie’s self-sufficient so he can’t take credit there. Sam combats her words with a McConaughey impersonation while clutching the actor’s namesake and then making “so cuuuute” noises.

Okay, Mercedes is not made of stone. If it’s that important…hey, did Sam pay the gas bill? Or take out the recycling? Is that her faux dog lying dead and shredded on the couch? Mercedes’ good will lasts exactly eight seconds as the pooch saunters down the steps with a piece of her hair in its mouth. Oh nooooo. Dog, you better run. And take Sam with you, because the kicker is literally a gorgeous heel, festooned with teeth marks.

She tells Sam to pack up the dog and return him immediately or she will go full-out “Carcossa” on him. (Shout out True Detective!)

Sam, I don’t think she’s joking.

Side bar: Funniest moment of the entire show. Amber Riley, do more comedy.

Rachel, looking like Audrey Hepburn but with a dozen leashes full of dogs, walks down the street. Across the way are the plants – Artie and Blaine – who loudly notice “Rachel Berry, star of the smash hit Funny Girl” for the benefit of the paps who are standing nearby. Drinking coffee. I guess.

The paps start taking pics as Blaine delivers his lines. “Gosh golly gee whiz Ms. Berry – what are you doing with those dogs?”

There’s a whole little skit, where Rachel perkily discusses the poor abandoned dog issue, while Santana and Blaine react. It’s very cute and would be going swimmingly, except for a showdown that’s about to occur between the restless dogs and a dude with a hot dog.

The dogs take off after the hot dog dude, dragging Rachel behind as the photographers snap away. Um. Instead of a dog rescue, we might have to start a Rachel rescue.

Santana: “At least you were wearing underwear.”

In the Bushwick Loft of Good Intentions, Rachel is worried this is going to blow up in her face. Santana insists it will all be fine. They have an online reporter coming to the benefit, and over half the evites have confirmed. No need to fret.

Kurt arrives with his exciting news: he’s Peter Pan! Rachel and Santana aren’t sure how to react – no wait, Santana goes with an insult about “sub community theatre” and declines his invite. As does Rachel, because (shockingly!) her event is scheduled the same night as Kurt’s and she’s busy. Kurt doesn’t understand why they won’t come to his four o’clock show when their event is later, because he’s forgotten how stuff works, but mostly he’s still hurt and mad. He bends over backwards and he needs her to support him in this.

She claims to be doing it for the animals, but Kurt says she’s doing it for herself. Kurt will not be her abandoned dog anymore.

Storm out 2.0.

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