Glee S5 Ep18 – “The Back-up Plan”

At the Loft of Wait, Didn’t Blaine Move Out? – Kurt helps his intended spiffy up in a tux for the aforementioned fundraiser. Blaine worries he shouldn’t go – maybe he should just stay home and watch Scandal with Kurt. (Don’t bother honey, it’s been uneven at best this year.) Kurt assures him he’s jealous but he’s not resentful – even as Blaine fusses about June keeping him away from Kurt.

Blaine: “How do I look?”

Kurt: “Like Montgomery Cliff.”

Blaine: “What?!”

Kurt: “Before the accident.”

Side bar: Just Google it. Then it’s funnier.

Kurt tells Blaine not to worry about him – whatever doors open for Blaine, Kurt will be right at his side. He’s just taking one for the team.

Blaine finds himself in a beautiful old building, surrounded by 1% of the 1% no less. June begins her life lessons by informing Blaine you are the company you keep – her friends are what make her fabulous. And if she’s going to launch Blaine’s career, they’re going to have to spend lots of time together, become friends. Bond.

Eric Roberts shows up randomly (he might be playing himself, I don’t really know) and tells June that they’ve made two million so far, which Blaine thinks is a lot. June? Not so much. Time to get the room pumping.

June gets up on stage and tells the crowd they’re going to write her some fat checks (Fatty Arbuckle fat, not chubby like your first wife.) – and to inspire them, she invites Blaine up on stage.

June: “As you know, Blaine is my new discovery and I’m never wrong.”

The band strikes up Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart,” and we have clearly entered some sort of fever dream, where stage legends sing rock anthems with Darren Criss and then everyone throws money in the air. If this is how the rich party, sign me up.

Frankly, it’s glorious.

Mercedes and Santana go to see D’Shawn at the studio. Seems like Mercedes wants her song to be a duet – with Santana. D’Shawn appreciates Santana’s voice but this is Mercedes’ calling card. Her introduction to the public – if she wants to sing a duet, he’ll find her someone who can help her career, and her friend can sing back-up. Santana’s face falls and she tells Mercedes she’s not worth it. If she was in Mercedes’ shoes, she’d listen to D’Shawn.

Side bar: Santana’s ego is missing, her spark is gone, and since when does she not fight for her piece of the spotlight? And what happened with Britt?!

Rachel coughs dramatically into the phone to Sidney – she’s sick! She has the flu! Can her understudy go on? Cough, cough, she says, from the FOX lot in Los Angeles…

On to the audition! Mr. Paulblatt introduces her to the hottie male lead and the rest of the bored execs. Rachel brightly introduces her song selection – Bette Midler’s “The Rose” and begins to sing, not realizing that no one is actually paying attention except Paulblatt, who is trying to get her attention.

Sit down, FOX Exec because Lea Michele was born to sing this song. How have they not done it before? Pure perfection.

When she’s finished, Mr. Paulblatt explains that it’s not actually a musical (the “Song” part clearly tripped her up), it’s a space opera, and his long-winded explanation sounds a bit like a CW version of Firefly. Rachel smiles bravely through his explanation.

Execs: “It’s like Guardians of the Galaxy meets Game of Thrones. With a strong Grey’s Anatomy feel.”

Rachel: “I love that show.”

Side bar: I can only assume this segment was lifted directly from a FOX production meeting.

Hottie actor gets into it, miming his driving of the ship, and Rachel valiantly tries to read through the script. It goes…poorly, especially when Hottie lays a big wet kiss on Rachel. She’s clearly surprised – something no one is when Paulblatt stops her from moving to the next scene. They’ve seen enough.

Rachel leaves the studio in a huff. Worst audition ever! She checks her phone, only to find fifteen missed calls from Sidney! It seems Wendy the understudy fell off the stage – she has to get to the theatre by 7:30 to go on.

Whoops!

She runs to the street and hails a cab (which no one does in LA, just in case you’re visiting and need a cab – that’s a NY thing. Just so we’re clear.). She has to get to the airport!

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