Merlin, S4 Ep12 – The Sword in the Stone, Part 1

Lots of stuff crammed into this episode, so we’ll just plunge right in.  It opens on Arthur staring into the mirror, picking his ears and asking Merlin what’s taking so long.  Merlin tells him to think of something pleasant and Arthur’s like, “You permanently bent over with your ass sticking in the air in the stocks?”  Everybody knows what you really mean, Arthur, even Merlin.  Merlin keeps trying to distract him, but Arthur insists on seeing what Merlin’s hiding behind his back.  A completely pantsless Arthur grabs Merlin, turns him around rather firmly, and I bite my knuckles in anticipation of the pornography I am certain is about to occur right here on my screen.  But nobody bends anybody over any surfaces— Arthur just grabs his belt, which Merlin was adding another hole onto because Arthur’s been eating his feelings.  Haha, Arthur’s fat, Merlin’s good at keeping secrets, everybody’s jolly.  Then we switch to Uncle Eyebrows, who lights some kind of sleeping draught grenade thing and knocks out some guards.  He waves a torch and somebody waves back.  Lots of torches this episode.

At yet another feast, Arthur’s like, “Where’s Agravaine?  He should be- AW SHIT YEAH, LEG OF LAMB, MY FAVORITE OMNOMNOM.”  Merlin tries to get him to take it easy because he’s about to start shopping in the husky boy section pretty soon, which makes Percival choke on his wine.

People sneaking into the castle.  Smirking.  Torches.

Arthur sees Percival flirting with some girl and is sad, because it wasn’t too long ago that Percival was dandling Arthur on his gigantic knee.  Merlin asks if he’s all right and he says, “No one likes to be called fat, Merlin.”  But Arthur looks really upset and Merlin just can’t help but ask if it’s Gwen.  Of course it’s Gwen, Merlin.  Arthur says he looks for her in a room and she’s not there, and then he remembers why.  I can’t believe Merlin hasn’t given him comfort sex by now.  You fail as a friend, Merlin, jesus.

Smirking.  Torches.  Evil swishy clang, which is more like shwang.  Agravaine sets some shit on fire and walks away, doing the medieval version of “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions” and Morgana says, “It’s time.”

Man, longest intro ever.

After the credits, everything is on fire.  Elyan goes to sound the alarm, Leon and a bunch of other redcloaks stand up against the invading mob, and Gwaine tells Arthur the walls have been breached.  Arthur tells Merlin to get everyone into the inner chamber while he, Percival, and Gwaine go off to kick the asses of things.  Elyan and Agravaine are about to face off and Morgana just throws Elyan out of the way, all, “God, men.  We don’t have time for this shit.”  Agravaine looks really upset, like he wanted to play swords and mommy just told him it was lunchtime.

Gaius and Merlin discuss how Merlin was right as usual and it kind of sucks, and Merlin goes off to find Arthur, who’s busy fighting in stop-start slow motion against everybody in the entire world.  Somebody watched Sherlock Holmes a few times too many before filming this.  Merlin comes up behind him and gets stuck in the slow motion, and finally gets to Arthur just as somebody’s hacking away at him.  Merlin drags him away, then makes the torches in the hallways get extra flamey, which…apparently makes everybody run away because they can’t duck underneath them.

Arthur’s hurt pretty badly and rests against one of the balustrades just as the mob rushes by— Morgana and Helios first, and then Agravaine.  Gosh, Arthur, this must be such a shock for you since everybody including you suspected him of being a traitor.  Merlin wisely does not say I told you so.  Arthur starts huffing and puffing and tries to go after them, but Merlin holds him back.  Meanwhile, Leon’s herding everyone into the woods and Morgana’s chilling on the throne.  Helios strides up all, “Camelot is ours.”  These leather daddy types who hook up with Morgana and Morgause to destroy Camelot never learn, do they?  Morgana’s not just satisfied with taking Camelot— she wants Arthur…

…who’s busy getting the usual “I don’t knowwwwww” speech from Gaius about whether he can be healed or not.  Gwaine and Percival tell Gaius and Merlin the mob is going to be on them in minutes and they need to get Arthur out of there.  Merlin wants to make Arthur unconscious somehow, but Gaius doesn’t have anything strong enough because his chambers are on the other side of the castle.  Gaius gets that look that means he’s about to give some shitty advice.  “What if he was to lose his will?”  Yep, there it is.  Merlin looks dubious, but Gaius holds Arthur down and while he’s screaming in pain Merlin magics him into senselessness.  And, sadly, that is not a euphemism.

Arthur stands up looking all dopey and agrees to be carried out of the castle, and Merlin gathers together all Arthur’s stuff like a helicopter mom and runs after him.  Then it’s Gaius and Gwaine up against the mob.  They just stand there and let themselves be taken.  Didn’t Gwaine say he’d fend them off or something?  Arthur, Percival, and Merlin meet up with Elyan in the woods and I’m already laughing at Arthur, who has basically been turned into a not-very-bright dog.  Since I truly believe Bradley James has golden retriever DNA, I’m going to go with that.  They all hustle Arthur along.  More slow motion with the horses hunting them down.  Morgana blasts them all through the air and they lose Percival, and then Elyan tells them to keep on going without him while evil henchmen kindly wait their turn to attack one at a time.

Arthur bumps into Merlin and apologizes.  Merlin says Arthur needs new clothes because he’s too conspicuous.  You can just assume Arthur’s response to everything is doggy pants from now on.