Merlin, S4 Ep11 – The Hunter’s Heart

The general internet consensus on this episode is that it was very boring, sprinkled with a few minutes of deer-related what the shit was that.  I think this is going to be one of those where I stare off into Colin Morgan’s eyes space until something reminds me there’s an actual plot I’m supposed to be following, but this show has been known to surprise me once or twice a season.

The show opens on Guinevere shoveling pig crap.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Just think, she could still be making beds in Camelot if it weren’t for Arthur’s banishment.  There’s a disturbance in the village and a bunch of black-clad riders come through scaring everyone.  One of them knocks over the little thing they build around wells.  That is some badass pillaging.  Gwen tries to run away and instead runs right into a guy who’s about to kill her, before the leader of the group stops him because he likes the look of Gwen’s Season 1 red dutch-girl dress.

After the credits, Arthur and Merlin are walking down the hall and Merlin is yammering on and on and on like he’s having a manic attack until Arthur tells him to shut up.  Maybe Merlin’s a coke addict.  It would explain so. much.  Arthur walks into the court and tells everyone that the kingdoms of Nemeth and Camelot have reached an agreement on blah blah blah falling asleep.  He mentions Gedref (though it might be Gedreth), which first makes me perk up, then makes me sad because aw, Season 1.  Arthur yanks me right out of my daydream where Arthur and Merlin consummated their relationship in the Labyrinth after that episode ended by saying he’s extended his hand in marriage to Princess Mithian.  Merlin looks about as thrilled as I am.  Gaius is thinking about porridge.

Merlin trots after Arthur asking why he didn’t know any of this, he should have known, he should have had the chance to voice his disapproval and pester Arthur until Arthur marries Merlin’s mom just to get him to stop talking.  Merlin’s like BUT YOU STILL LOVE HER and Arthur threatens to exile him.  Yeah, this is totally a friendship of equals who respect each other and will unite a kingdom together.  Also, Bradley James’s face is swollen like he got his wisdom teeth taken out and it’s bothering me.  Stupid show.

Agravaine stops some random dude— a page? idk— and asks him for some documents.  The kid, whose name is Owen, says he just can’t betray his master, and Agravaine kills him.  So bored of you, Agravaine.  He rides off for Morgana’s shack and has to explain to her that he’s failed.  I want her to kill him.  Just let your hair loose on him, girl, it looks sentient at this point.

But we haven’t forgotten about Gwen!  She’s stuck in some skeeze’s cave, wearing a dress that looks pretty at first before we do what Go Fug Yourself calls the scroll-down and see it’s a harem dress.  The skeeze with the clichéd fantasy life is Helios, who’s actually kind of nice to her and, presumably, isn’t going to chain her to the foot of his bed because this is a family show, not a Kathleen Woodiwiss novel.

Damn, we are so resistant to genetic disorders due to rampant royal inbreeding.

Meanwhile, Arthur’s wearing his Burger King crown in honor of Princess Mithian.  She rides toward him wearing a big cream-colored fur wedding gown with a huge veil, which she removes to show she’s very pretty and not a hideous troll.  Arthur gives his dick a mental high-five.  Merlin hates her so, so much.  She gets off her horse and starts to flirt with him, and he’s like, “Uh.  Right back atcha.  Thing.”