Merlin, S4 Ep7 – The Secret Sharer

All right, I’ve got my tv-watching blanket, I’ve got my dog, I’ve got my popcorn, I’ve got my napkins so I don’t get butter on the keyboard.  It’s time for Merlin.  Destiny rests on the shoulders of a young hotass.  Got it.

So I have a theory that the writers asked everyone to think of Arthurian puns, tossed them into a hat, and that’s how they came up with titles for the first three seasons.  Unfortunately they’ve run out and are now stealing from Nicholas Sparks.  Before the end of season 4 someone’s going to go off to war and die of cancer and teach someone a lesson about life.

Anyway.  Morgana’s hovel.  Agravaine is (so so creepily) stroking the side of her face.  Morgana’s still messed up from last episode, and starts dreaming about Emrys.  Her sleeping mind, which is obviously a lot smarter than she is, sends her an image of Emrys, then an image of the Fomorrah, then another image of Emrys.  She wakes up, talks to Agravaine, and they come to the conclusion that they should force the answer out of Gaius.  Pendragons, man.  They do not bring high IQ to the table.

"...and even in the midst of their glorious coupling, Merlin's limpid cerulean orbs were filled with admiration for the King's digniforous, resplendid sceptre of swordish majestitude..."

After the credits, Merlin comes into Arthur’s chambers and hurriedly shoves a muffin in Arthur’s mouth (not a cute name for something else, sorry) while he lists off all the things they have to do that day.  Bradley James’s 15 minutes of naked are fulfilled early on.  Merlin drags him out of bed and onto the floor and, contrary to all the research I’ve read on the subject, does not make sweet love to him.  Life is just one disappointment after another.

Morgana rides a horse toward a castle on an island.  I’m surprised she’s allowed to have a white horse.  This show is not very subtle, so I expected her to be riding some enormous black horse called Demon Hate Eater or something.

Arthur is getting dressed while Agravaine casts suspicion on everyone from the knights to the maids to the grasshoppers outside, then settles on Gaius.  Arthur’s like, “Um, he’s always been loyal and I like his wig,” and Agravaine is all, “Hort hort hort, me too, he’s super loyal!  But seriously Gaius is the traitor.”

Random utopian village.  Morgana sticks out like a sore Goth among the happy cheerful villagers dancing to lute music and tossing bits of fabric gleefully into the air.  She barges past some sweaty, shirtless, tattooed bouncer and says she’s there to see the Catha.  There’s a bald dude who looks like a turtle meditating in the room where candles go to die.  Morgana, queen of expositionland, says, “You’re Alator of the Catha, warrior and priest.”  She’s there to trade her healing bracelet (aw!  That was a gift from Morgause when they were first dating!) if Alator will abduct someone from Camelot for her.  He agrees and she leaves.  I can’t stop looking at the shiny bald bouncer’s sass.  Shake that thing, girl.

Arthur fiddles with his rings while the guards escort Gaius into the throne room.  Agravaine pastes on his big stupid clown smile and starts questioning Gaius about saucery.  I’m distracted because the light from the stained glass windows is really pretty on Arthur’s hair.  Why aren’t you telling Arthur about the necklace Morgana used to kill Uther, Gaius?  Necklace.  Necklace.  Say words. Why are the people on this show so stupid?

Alator and the shiny bald bouncer, still shirtless, ride into Camelot.  While they wander through the town, Merlin goes to Agravaine’s chambers.  It’s dark and he asks Merlin to close the door behind him, and then gets waaaaaay too close to Merlin while he shows him his dagger.  Poor Merlin.  Everyone is after his pert little bottom, even creepy clownface uncles.  Agravaine tells Merlin the dagger is for Arthur and asks him to sharpen it naked in Agravaine’s chambers.

Alator and shiny bald bouncer release a white horse from the stables and it runs through the village.  I wonder whose job it is to crimp the horses’ hair on this show.  All the guards go off to look at the loose horse so Alator and SBB can meet with Agravaine and get into the castle.  Hey, continuity!  That’s the same door all the other villains have used to break into the castle this season.  I feel like it was probably accidental, but let’s give a round of applause anyway.  Good job, someone on the staff who connected one episode to another!

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