Merlin – Series 2

Series 2 Promo

Episodes 5 and 6:  Beauty and the Beast, Parts I and II

It reminds us of our honeymoon, actually.

So this is the storyline the writers decided should be a two-parter.  We’ll leave it to you to judge whether it’s worthy of two episodes or not.

Actually, no we won’t.  It’s totally not worth two episodes.  But it’s pretty fun anyway.  I mean, there’s a troll who eats rotten fruit and farts a lot.  Farts are always hilarious.  I mean right?  Right?  And we might as well come out and say it before you run away:  Uther totally marries the troll, and then he has sex with her.  It’s hot.

We understand the appeal of troll sex, sire, we understand entirely.

So, yes, plot:  a troll disguises herself as Lady Catrina, an old friend of Uther’s.  Her aim is to marry him and then take over the kingdom, of course.  She works her troll magic all over the place and almost gets Uther to make out with her, but it appears he hasn’t had sex since his wife died.  He prefers to reserve all that energy so he doesn’t miss any chances to kill people.  Catrina Troll, or Catrolla as we like to call her, pulls out the big guns and makes him wear an enchanted necklace so he’ll fall in love with her.  Success!  He marries her despite Merlin’s attempts to intervene, has Arthur disinherited, and jacks up the townspeople’s taxes.  Merlin even exposes her as a troll, and Gaius and Sir Leon (the only redcape who keeps coming back each episode, much like Kenny) try to let Uther down gently just in case he hasn’t noticed Catrolla has tusks.

The only thing that will break the enchantment is if Uther cries, so Merlin and Gaius come up with a brilliant plan to make it seem like Arthur is dead.  Arthur’s been hit on the head often enough that this is totally okay with him.

I can totally trust you guys, right?

Merlin has the antidote to the poison they give Arthur so he’ll look like he’s dead, and of course it breaks somewhere along the way.  While Uther is busy being de-troll-sexified, Merlin has to squeeze out little droplets of the antidote into Arthur’s mouth.  It’s all very heterosexual.  Sometimes we feel that that could be the show’s subtitle.

Arthur pops right up out of his death sleep and stabs the hell out of Catrolla, and the Pendragon men silently agree to never, ever discuss the fact that Uther had sex with a troll ever again.


Episode 7:  the Witchfinder

Chest hair not optional.

That would be this guy.

Not a lot happens in this episode.  Not a lot…except for that hat.

Merlin, feeling sad and lonely, goes out into the woods and decides that there’s no better time or place than right now to make a little smoke horse.  Colin Morgan’s heartbreaking little face will make you forget that this is a dumb idea, but then he’s not on the screen and you’re wondering if Arthur’s concussions are contagious.  Of course someone sees and brings it up to the King, and instead of being like, “You saw a horse in the sky?  Gaius, time for ye olde anti-psychotic meds!” he’s like, “I’ve been too easy on Camelot.  It’s time to simultaneously terrify and turn on the townspeople.  Bring in Charles Dance!”

The thing about the Witchfinder is that he fakes evidence, but he’s also good at finding witches.  He recognizes Merlin and Morgana right away.  But it’s Gaius he really wants.  Mistake!  Merlin is totally going to find a way to put an axe in your face, dude.  Actually, he teams up with Gwen and the two of them figure out that the “witnesses” the Witchfinder found (his name is Aredian, but there are too many minor characters with A names in this series) have been given drugged eyedrops to make them see crazy things.  Then Merlin makes him barf up frogs and jump out a window.  It just does not pay to be on Merlin’s bad side.  Smarten up, villains!

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