Merlin – Series 2

Episode 4: Lancelot and Guinevere

If you are anything like us, you saw the title of the episode and made some kind of face indicating pleasure.

Who doesn’t want Lancelot and Guinevere to unleash their torrid torridness?

(please don’t send us emails.  We don’t really want to know the answer to that question.)

Morgana and Gwen go off on a pilgrimage to Morgana’s father’s grave, and on the way they get ambushed and taken hostage.  They think up a plan that requires Morgana to do a striptease, because at heart our writers are mostly teenage boys, but Gwen hurts her ankle and tells Morgana to leave her behind.  The bandits make poor Gwen wear Morgana’s ridiculous blue, green, and purple dress, and pass her off as Lady Morgana to Hengist, some gross dude who hates Uther.  Arthur and Merlin come upon the escaped Morgana, and she’s like, “Yay, I’m all right!” and Arthur is like, “Yeah, Morgana, that’s nice, but where’s Gwen?”

Morgana tries to convince Uther to send a search party to rescue Gwen, but we know how that’s going to end.  Luckily, Arthur has a Look on his face.  The Look of Love.  Road trip!

At Hengist’s crib, everybody’s laughing, yayyy, happy people eating raw meat and sitting on each other’s laps!  Hengist announces that the Lady Morgana has grown bored, and tonight’s entertainment is a dude in leather S&M gear fighting against…

*glisten*

Arthur:  Wait.  I suddenly feel less pretty.
Merlin:  You’re looking quite pretty from where I’m sitting, thank you.
Arthur:  No no, my hair doesn’t have a golden halo around it and I think my pecs just shrank.
Merlin:  You’re right.  I just realized I want to shag you 75% less.
Arthur:  I KNEW IT.  IT’S BLOODY LANCELOT.

Lancelot and Gwen give each other a minute-long slo-mo stare and then Lancelot has to fight against the S&M guy, and obviously he wins.  Hengist introduces Lancelot to Gwen and Lancelot bows and says “My lady” while tinkly noises play in the background OHOHO FORESHADOWING.  Then the S&M guy is promptly eaten by an ROUS.  Afterward, Gwen is sitting on a very nice bed in the dungeons, looking sad, when Lancelot comes to talk to her through the grate in her cell.  He explains that he’s been earning a living being extremely hot and swinging a sword around, and Gwen is sad.  Being hot and going swishy clang is something you should never do for money, Lancelot!  You only do it with people you love!  But Lancelot has seen what the real world is like, and is jaded, which for him means he is sort of glum because he’s discovered clouds are not in fact made of pearls.  So sad.  Gwen tells him she believes in him and they touch fingers through the grate.  Their love is so noble!  Seriously, if they were modern people they’d be Peace Corps members of PETA campaigning for workers’ rights in Nigeria and they would laugh gaily while they rescued newborn babies, the sun glinting off their perfect teeth, blinding a ship full of whale hunters and black market elephant-tusk traders.  They make a plan to escape together in their noble hotness.

So you two are like going out? Because nobody told me that.

Then Arthur shows up.

It’s awkward.

Lancelot decides it’s nobler not to let the lady choose which of them she’d rather be with, and hits the road.  It pretty much sucks to be Gwen.  At least Morgana’s glad to see her…for now.