Merlin – Series 2

Series 2 Promo

Episode 2: the Once and Future Queen

Merlin writers, we at With an Accent need to have a bit of a chat with you.  See, here is the thing about Arthurian legends:  we know how things are going to end.  You guys have always been all “oh yeah, we’re changing things up, see how innovative we are!” but let’s face it, things are pretty much headed in the same direction as the legends everyone’s familiar with.  So if you’re going to be like “let’s make Arthur and Guinevere in love with each other and it will be so romantic and everyone will think it’s like Romeo and Juliet lala let’s just forget about the suicide thing” you kind of need to not have Lancelot around.  Otherwise people are going to remember, “Oh, Lancelot.  He’s that guy.  The one who has sex with Guinevere.”  That’s kind of like his claim to fame.  We are sure he has many other excellent qualities, most of which have to do with his hair, but for all eternity Lancelot = boinking Gwen.  Now, Arthur is remembered for other stuff, like being the dude with the awesome sword who is still chilling in Avalon and will return to Albion in its hour of need, aka the Once and Future King.  That’s not a title you can just throw around like Arthur throws chamber pots at Merlin’s head, okay.  There’s only one of him, and sadly Guinevere is not really part of the once and futureness because of the aforementioned boinking.  We guess what we’re trying to say is, stop getting your info from Wikipedia, because you’re pissing off the Arthurian nerds and we they write lots of long, angry rants full of Welsh quotations.

I don't get it. People do this for...fun?

ANYWAY.  There’s a king who hates Arthur.  I know, we’re shocked too.  He hires an assassin named Myror, who runs off to kill Arthur at a rather unfortunate time.  You see, Arthur is suffering from an ego crisis.  Everybody treats him like he’s the Prince, and he would like to be treated like a normal person for once.  But not a peasant, because that’s gross.  As usual, there’s some kind of tournament going on and he decides to enter it as someone else, to prove that he’s really good at shoving long sticks at people while riding a horse at them.  He hides out in Guinevere’s hovel and irritates the crap out of her until she finally blows up at him, then acts all contrite and pretends he’s going to make her dinner.  But we all know Arthur doesn’t know how to make dinner for a woman.  He’s never even made dinner before, and if he did it would probably be for his knights, and he’s confused by the whole thing.

He gets Merlin to make dinner for him, because even Merlin knows what to do with a chicken.  It all seems like it’s going well until Gwen realizes Arthur’s a big old fraud and gets mad at him.  The next morning he apologizes and goes off to shove sticks at people, but before he does, he kisses her in a burst of lens-flare that would make JJ Abrams seethe in envy.

Oh, right.  We forgot about the assassin.  He figures out Arthur’s disguise, kills some other knight and takes his place, goes up against Arthur in the joust with a lance that has a secret knife hidden in it that he just happened to have lying around his assassin house, and Merlin kills his ass dead before he gets a chance to finish Arthur off.  Haha, killing people, jolly times in Camelot!

 

Episode 3:  the Nightmare Begins

We’re not sure why the Morgana episodes are always kind of boring.  We suspect it’s because the writers really just want to give her black eyeliner and make her evil already and resent having to bother with a character arc.  So poor Morgana’s storyboard goes a little like this:  “In this episode, Morgana is asleep most of the time and has nightmares.  But they ignore her!  In this episode, she has more nightmares and everybody ignores her.  In this episode…well, Gwen can’t just go off and get kidnapped by herself so Arthur can rescue her, Morgana’s going to have to go with her.  Bugger.  Let’s have her mostly naked.”

In this episode, Morgana sleeps and has some nightmares, and sets things on fire in her sleep.  But Gaius and Merlin can’t just tell her what’s going on.  That would be silly!  There are so many reasons to keep her in the dark— reasons like breasts.  It doesn’t sit right with Merlin, not telling Morgana about her magic, and right about

Merlin's crying? Must be Saturday.

HERE

is where Merlin starts crying and never stops.  No exaggerations, Merlin viewers, we are for real.  Someone realized how pretty Colin Morgan looks when he’s crying— we like to think it was the head of the entire BBC— and sent down the executive order:  Morgan cries at least once a week, or else BALLS.

Eventually keeping Morgana ignorant of her own magic backfires on everyone.  Who could have foreseen such an unlikely occurrence?  She runs off to hang with Mordred and the druids, and because she is irrational and has breasts, she doesn’t care if Uther executes everybody in the world to get her back.  Except then Arthur and the redcapes come along to kill all the druids in the camp, and she gets the hell out of there along with Mordred and the nice man who’s trying to help her.  His name is Aglain, but you don’t need to remember it because he gets shot in the head with a crossbow about two minutes after we meet him.  Bye Aglain.  You were hot.

Eventually Morgana comes back and all is well and kumbaya and stuff, but before that, Merlin witnesses Mordred escape by telepathically killing a bunch of redcapes.  For some reason he is totally horrified by this, like he’s completely forgotten all the sorcerers he’s blown up or hit in the face with an axe.  Also Arthur tries to give Merlin romantic advice like he knows a damn thing about it, which is even weirder.  Maybe Morgana’s episodes are all dreams and that’s why everybody acts so weird.  It would explain a lot.

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