Seeing as one might count Glee as a guilty pleasure – not me, I’m out and proud! – we take a moment before the final hiatus to wrap up some stories, sing some awesome songs, and break out the platforms. Welcome to the song book of “Guilty Pleasures,” as both Lima and New York bare souls and reveal things hidden away.
We open on Blaine trying to give Sam some money on the sly. It’s only fifty bucks, but he wants to help. Sam’s dad is still struggling and Blaine knows Sam’s secret… Sam looks perplexed, but Blaine reveals that during his shortcut through the cafeteria, he spied his bestie stealing pasta. Ohhhh, that. Well, Sam’s got a secret to share and it has nothing to do with feeding his family. He’s feeding another habit entirely – an artistic one.
Turns out Mr. Evans has a secret talent – like that ugly guy in Shine – in that he’s an idiot savant at macaroni portraits. He takes Blaine to his secret lair (the art room) and reveals his creations. Macaroni Emma Stone, Leann Rimes, Ralph Macchio, the guys from Duck Dynasty, and Kurt – whose visage elicits some warm heart eyes from Blaine. Because the pasta really captures him…
Sam feels good after revealing his secret guilty pleasure and pushes his bff to do the same. Unfortunately, “you have a nice mouth” isn’t something Blaine wants to share, so he goes with – Wham! Excellent save. Thank goodness Sam is a good name to rhyme things with. Tina interrupts the awkward to announce that Mr. Schue is sick so Glee is cancelled.
Sam: “Just curious. Are you going to go his house and straddle him while he’s passed out and rub some ointment on his chest?”
Tina: “That was a phase.”
The Blam boys don’t want to miss a week of Glee so they take over. The assignment of the week? Guilty Pleasures – let go of our secret musical shame and bond together! Team building! Woo! New Directions is skeptical, so Sam and Blaine break out their Choose Life shirts and pull their friends into Wham’s infectious “Wake Me Up Before You Go,” moving from the choir room to the full neon explosion of the original video. Black light, dancing – heck, even the band is dressed for the occasion!
We’ve established this season that Darren Criss and Chord Overstreet sound great together, but the level of fun just keeps escalating. This is a great number, full of energy and a sense of play. Said it once, and I’ll say it ten times: everything about this incarnation of New Directions refers back to teamwork and a love of music. And it’s a pleasure to watch.
Next up? Brittany cornering Kitty in the hall. Guess what? Everyone hates Kitty!
Kitty: “I’m trying to change, but my pastor said even Jesus took baby steps.”
Brittany: “Do you go to the Church of Satan or something, because you are really mean.”
Blondes have magical powers and Brittany wants Kitty to use hers for good. So the first step is clearly a visit to “Fondue for Two”! It’s deepest darkest secret time and after a rundown of the Bring it On movies and Lord Tubbington’s Scientology addiction, Kitty refuses to share her super scary guilty pleasure, even though it’s a totally safe space (the Internet). She eventually whispers it into Brittany’s ear, which irritates avid fan Tina, who is watching intently.
Back in New York, Kurt (looking fabulous) is in acting class at NYADA, and I take a moment to be in rapt awe that NYADA has classes that aren’t in the haunted dance studio of writhing on scaffolding. Acting out your secret shame is therapeutic but in VO, we find that Kurt is faking it. Oh yes, Mr. Kurt Hummel is rife with secret guilty pleasures. Obsessive marathons of television shows featuring powerful women? Check. “Sweating to the Oldies” workouts complete with tiny striped shorts? Check. But the biggest secret of all? The nightly cuddling with Bruce the boyfriend arm pillow – judgement free and strong and silent – with whom Kurt slumbers, all the while praying his roommates, Adam, or god forbid Blaine, never find out about it. It is the thing that could destroy him…
Not sure why, because really, those shorts are a lot more revealing than needing to cuddle with a stuffed boyfriend pillow. Because really Kurt, everyone knows what’s going on with you except you. (Bruce has even figured it out, okay?)
Back in Ohio, we visit the McKinley locker room where Sam requests Blaine put on pants because they need to talk. Sam has a huge deep dark secret to reveal, something so dramatic, he is forced to speak in anxious hushed tones. Blaine goes wide-eyed. Does…does he have feelings for Blaine? No, it’s far worse and Blaine pretends to be joking. No, this is a million times worse. Sam? Is a Fanilow. That’s right. He’s a super fan of one Mr. Barry Manilow.
Blaine tries to talk him down, but Sam stands firm. The songs speak to him, okay? So Blaine encourages him to come out to the group.
The girls confront Kitty in the hall – they demand to know her guilty secret. She refuses, but Brittany fills them in. It’s SPICE GIRLS! Marley, Unique, and Tina explode into squeals. They love the Spice Girls and yes, they’re so doing it for Guilty Pleasures Week! Unique wants to be Scary Spice, and Kitty makes a shot about nothing being scarier than a girl with a penis, but after a smack from Britt, says she’s kidding. See? Progress. Kinda.
At the Loft Where Everyone Lives, Kurt brushes his teeth as Rachel trills in the shower and Santana insults everyone. So it’s just a regular evening in Bushwick. Apparently Brody has moved out and broken up with Rachel without saying why – and Rachel is a sad confused bunny. Santana tells her to get over it – she has friends, friends who will be there for her, friends who will encourage her to play pranks on other friends! How about they do that thing where you put someone’s hand in water until they pee!
It’s what people in New York do to get over a break-up. Totes.
So Santana and Rachel creep into Kurt’s bedroom, because apparently they like to poke badgers with sticks. Before they can make him wet his bed, they are faced with the reality of Bruce the boyfriend arm pillow, who has Kurt clutched in his embrace! The girls are skeptical, but Kurt is having nothing of it. The ad was pretty persuasive, okay? Are you sad and lonely? Yes. And now, he and Bruce are exclusive – there will be no pillow swinging in the loft.