Doctor Who, S6 Ep3 — The Curse of the Black Spot

Across deadly-still waters, a rowboat returns from… somewhere.  The pirate away team climbs aboard their ship, which apparently last raided Pier 1 because there are crazy wind chimes and shit everywhere.

Black Spot

The titular ailment. Stop giggling.

The pirate captain is informed that one of the away team was injured by a marauding band of Klingon warriors.   Kidding.  He slipped in the bilge water (ewwww) and hurt his hand.  No bigs, right?   It’s literally just a flesh wound.   You’ve had worse paper cuts.   The captain takes one look at the injured crewman’s finger and declares him a dead man.  The black spot on his palm probably isn’t a good sign, either.   Anyone who’s seen “Logan’s Run” knows that means it’s about time for this guy to “renew”, if you catch my drift (if you haven’t seen “Logan’s Run”, that basically means he’s toast.  Spoilers.).   The guy runs out on deck, freaks out for a minute or so, and *POOF* he’s gone, leaving behind only a pistol that the Predator will someday give to Danny Glover.  There’s a knock from the hold, and, surprise, surprise… The Doctor, Amy, and Rory have arrived to save the day!   Little consolation to the guy who just exploded.

The Doctor tries to explain to Captain Beardybeard how he and the gang got here and that they only want to help, but he’s not buying it.   He accuses them of being stowaways, and treats them as any proper pirate would: The Doctor and Rory are promptly run through with cutlasses and thrown to the sharks, while the lawless crew, not having seen a woman in months, proceeds to have its collective way with Amy until she’s nothing but an empty shell of her former self.  Oh, wait.  These are TV pirates.  They make the Doctor walk the plank and send Amy below to wash dishes or something.

Pirate Amy

She can shiver my timbers anytime.

While everyone’s laughing it up on the deck above, Amy, left alone with a pile of discarded pirate stuff, gears up and feeds the Amy Pond Fetish Engine another shovelful of sexy coal.  She points her +138 Agility sword at Beardybeard’s… beard… and orders the crew to get down on their knees (yes, mistress).   After an exciting display of swashbucklery and possibly derring-do, Amy bests one of her opponents by nicking his arm, dooming him to black-spottitude.  Another pirate grabs her, and the sword flies out of her hand.  Rory, thinking, “A flying sword. I’d better catch that”, tries to catch the flying sword and slices his hand, preventing him from playing the guitar at that night’s Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

A siren song echoes across the waves, and Rory (now also bearing a black spot) suddenly gets all hot and bothered for Amy and everything else (granted, the Amy part is understandable).   He’s totally tripping beard balls and decides he’s going to grow a beard too, apparently not remembering from last week’s episode that fake beards are not the Doctor Who makeup department’s forte.  Before he has a chance to ponder this further, the water gets all glowy and a hot green chick comes flying out.

Siren

It’s not easy being you-know-what.

The injured crewman tries to touch dat ass and disappears in a puff of lust.  Rory wants to go next, but Amy intercedes and the green chick turns red and blasts her back.   Everyone retreats belowdecks to discuss and compare notes.  A leech seals the fate of yet another crewman as Hottie McPooftouch appears inside and does her thing yet again.   The Doctor theorizes that water allows her to appear, so they retreat to the magazine, which is the part of the ship where old copies of Entertainment Weekly and Teen Beat are stored and thusly must be kept bone-dry.   They find the Captain’s own son stowing away, so they run him through with a cutlass and throw him to the sharks.  Kidding again.  The kid is sick with a nasty cough (perhaps from hiding in a POWDER KEG) and has a black spot of his own.   As the Doctor and the Captain prepare to venture out of the magazine, Amy warns The Doctor to be careful.  He replies “we’ve all got to go sometime,” apparently finding this to be an appropriate moment for gallows humor.   His comment finds no comedic purchase with Rory and Amy, though, who can’t help but think of the Utah triple-tap that lies some 200 years in The Doctor’s future.

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